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Thread: Haunted (OS)

  1. #1
    Playing Booya. Status: AFK McKennaR is on a distinguished road McKennaR's Avatar
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    Haunted (OS)

    So this idea popped into me like an..idea (awful comparison xD) Anyway, I wrote the first chapter, and since I don't feel like actually publishing the story, I thought I'd post it here, so someone other than my family and me can read it. Anyway I hope you enjoy it! And if you don't, tell me why. Onward!
    Rating: T
    P.S. Yeah, the first paragraphs are a bit depressing, but the story will progress and it will began to become a plot, so don't be turned off by the beginning.

    Prologue:
    The town of Oneida was the most boring town, quite possibly, in the world.
    It liked to rain. Alot. Which made the long, vast forests surrounding it impossible to explore. It's rain highlighted the color of the down; a big, dull grey that conceded it. It's colors were faded, as if the rain had washed them out. One look at it could lull you to sleep. The only way in and out was through the highway cutting through the woods. The townspeople called it 'The Woods'. Giving it a name would be like stripping it away of its mystery. And a mystery it was. The woods seemed to be the only place with the fades hint of color; it's long branches extending and shimmering a bright brown, almost red tint, to it whenever the sun rose.
    The downtown was bombarded with the same old shops, most of which had little variety. There was the cross-stitching shop, run by local Mrs. Lillian and Mrs. Johnson (the old ladies in ridiculously colorful dresses). Then there was the book shop, run by Mr. Johnson. And who could forget the technology shop, run by a big corporation, which only got things made at no later than the late 90's.
    "Calm." Mrs. Lillian would call it, peering out into the rain on her rocking chair. "Just the way I like it."
    But that all changed the day Rose Baring died.
    "I'll get out of here one day." She would say when she was young, as she splashed down her boots on another puddle. Her quiet friend Anthony Johnson would nod his head in agreement, his dark brown uncut hair blowing in his face. "Do you think the places out there are like the ones in the books your father sells?" She would ask, her eyes getting a bit dreamier.
    "I don't know." Anthony would respond, letting her dream and drone on.
    "I hope so. You know what one I like?
    Rapunzel." She spoke, smiling. "She was trapped but escaped, and went off to live happily after, with her prince. Like I will." She said, her eyes complete lost in wonder.
    It was a shock, her death. Everyone had been so sure, out of all people, Rose would be the one to leave.
    The day went by as normal. The ladies cross-stitching, Mr. Johnson reading, the town 'calm' - and of course, Oneida raining. Rose, now 16, had agreed to meet Anthony near the woods.
    She smiled and ran up to him at the brink of the woods. "Hey Anthony." She greeted.
    He returned the smile. "Hey Rose."
    The indulged in a few minutes of blissful silence as they trudged through the muddy forest floor, reaching their secret place. It had been there since they were 6, as they explored the forest. At first, Anthony, being the cautious person he had always been, had resisted.
    "There are monsters in there." He said, his voice trembling.
    Rose rolled her eyes. "Monsters don't exist." She said. "At least not in forests." She added, as she disappeared into its branches.
    They had discovered the opening, and began to make it more at home. They had brought in a tent, some blankets, some books (given to them from Mr. Johnson) and even some emergency food ('In case we want a snack or something')
    Rose smiled slightly at the memory as she perched herself on one of the swings they had attached to a branch. Anthony took the other. He pulled out a book from his bag.
    "Dad gave me another one." He said, handing it to her. She smiled wider.
    "
    Lord of the Rings!" She gave a little clap as she grasped the book. "I love this book! Thanks Anthony." She said nonchalantly.
    The two went on to discuss random things, never sticking to a topic for long. When they ran out of things to mention, Rose opened the book. The faintest trace of mildew was released, then washed away by the rain. She flipped through its pages, examining it, as if she could know what the pages held with out even glancing at it. Satisfied, she closed the book. Anthony looked curiously at her. Somedays, Rose made no sense. She looked at him. "Tell Mr. Johnson thanks."
    Anthony nodded. She peered at him curiously. "What are you thinking about?"
    He shrugged. "Things." Rose sighed, a bit disappointed.
    "Won't you ever tell me?"
    "You really want to know?"
    "Yes."
    He grinned. "I was thinking about where the rain comes from."
    Rose cocked her head. Most boys and girls would have said 'from the clouds', most of them using logic over imagination. But Rose grinned. "You know what I think?" He smiled and nodded. "There's a whole story to it.
    There was a princess, and she was beautiful. But she was locked in a tower, trapped. High above, she could see the world below her, but could not reach it. She sighed, her elegant red dress swaying. She was trapped by a witch who was jealous of her beauty. There was a prince who would meet her every day, keeping her company until the evil witch's charms were broken (which could only be broken by love). And in time it was. The princess escaped to the real world. They lived happily ever-after; or at least they thought they did. The witch, who had heard of their escape, had been furious. In a moment of spur hatred and jealousy, the witch cursed the princess to the skies claiming that she'll never be a part of the world, only viewing it from the skies as always. The rain is the princesses
    ---------- Post added at 03:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:41 PM ----------

    -pouring down to the world below. The wind is the prince's callings, as he speaks to her."
    She finished with a little head bow.
    "The princess sure cries a lot," He noted, looking up towards the sky. "Why does it have to have such a sad ending?"
    "Not really." She spoke, choosing her words. "Their separated in all but worlds." She stopped then added. "Pretty deep story for a 7 year-old, huh?"
    Anthony placed a hand on his heart jokingly. "Still gets to me."
    She laughed slightly, then lightly punched him on the shoulder. "Shut up!"
    They trudged back to the beginning of the forest, the rain slowly clearing up. There was a hint of a rainbow in the clouds mist.
    What happened next was a blur. They made their way to the highway, planning a slow walk home. A car must have slipped on the puddle, skidded onto the grass. If they'd been walking only a few feet away from the curve, a few measly feet away, they'd have been fine. Shaken up; but fine. But they hadn't.
    The car had almost flew and hit Rose and AnAll he could see was its red tinge before he blacked out.
    -----------
    The funeral for Rose was held a few weeks after, after Anthony had recovered enough to go. He had broken a few bones and slammed his head, but for the most part he was fine.
    But Rose was not.
    He couldn't bare to look at her, her face pale, her brown hair stretching to her shoulders, her bright blue eyes lifeless. It was sickening. A feeling of distinct emptiness washed over him.
    Who would he share the forest with? Who would he talk to? Who would be there for him? Who would be his friend? Who would he share stories with? Who would get him? Who would he ever...love?
    No one.
    The answer washed over him like a plague, making him sick. Just like that, someone had ripped out a piece of his heart leaving and empty whole in him.
    Yet no tears would come. It was as if they refused to come. If they came he would breakdown and it would be like accepting her death.
    He walked up to Rose, and looked at her. He stared at her face, like a princess in a fairytale. His lips brushed her forehead and he whispered. "See you later." Because 'Goodbye' would be too hard. It would be like he would never see her again. He placed a bright red rose on her chest, standing out in the dull, gray town, before walking away from her.
    I feel so depressed D: This is the first story I've ever written that has a death in it, so I don't know if I portrayed it good. And if this totally turned you off I understand. BUT, I must say, the whole story isn't going to be a messy pit of depressing angst. It'll pick up at chapter 1. Alright, tell me what you think!
    Last edited by McKennaR; 02-02-2012 at 05:03 PM.

    (my siggy is amazing, no? It was made by daniaasaur)
    The world is cruel. The world is ugly. But there are times and there are people when it's not
    And at its cruelest it's still the only world we've got. Ugly and pretty. Foul and fair
    Out There
    I dreamed a dream in time gone by
    When hope was high
    and live worth livi
    ng
    GIVE ME HUGS?


  2. #2
    Blockles the Blockle WoRdLoVer is on a distinguished road WoRdLoVer's Avatar
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    Aww.....thats so sad -wipes tears- I want to read the whole story McKennaR!!!!


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  3. #3
    Playing Booya. Status: AFK McKennaR is on a distinguished road McKennaR's Avatar
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    It is. Thanks(: I'll try and post chapter 1 soon (you know, once I write it x))

    (my siggy is amazing, no? It was made by daniaasaur)
    The world is cruel. The world is ugly. But there are times and there are people when it's not
    And at its cruelest it's still the only world we've got. Ugly and pretty. Foul and fair
    Out There
    I dreamed a dream in time gone by
    When hope was high
    and live worth livi
    ng
    GIVE ME HUGS?


  4. #4
    Blockles the Blockle WoRdLoVer is on a distinguished road WoRdLoVer's Avatar
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    Kay!


    ^Click my signature to see my Tumblr^
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  5. #5
    OMGIFE 4 Life Animeluver(5421) has a spectacular aura about Animeluver(5421)'s Avatar
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    It's so good!
    Touching too, can't wait for more! :3

    Thank you Turfer510 for the awesome sig! <3

  6. #6
    Playing Booya. Status: AFK McKennaR is on a distinguished road McKennaR's Avatar
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    And here we are with chapter 1! Thank you animeluver and wordlover for the feedback! It made me type harder to get this out. Anyway, this chapter is less depressing. I also hope I didn't go over-board on the descriptions; it's really what I do, over-explain things. Anyway, onward!
    Chapter 1
    Rose awoke with a start, as if jolted. She could see nothing but blackness, and was surprised by the lack of pain. In fact, lack of any feeling at all. She tried, as a test, to feel her right arm. But she couldn't. Panicking, she tried her leg, then her other arm.
    She couldn't feel anything.
    Numbness didn't do this. Numbness left you with a vague feeling of your limbs, only making them oblivious to pain. This wasn't it. It was like; like they weren't there. Like she was nothing but a big ball of light.
    She felt a scream escape her lips, but it did not echo to her ears. Then, like a start, light appeared. It got brighter, and brighter, and brighter until...
    "AHH!" She said, flailing her arms. Her arms. They were back. And light. She could make out a room in her haziness.
    She pulled up her arm and examined it under the newfound light. It was there. A little paler than usual, but nevertheless.
    She put it down, and pulled herself up. Where was she?
    Anthony...the woods...headlights...red...
    "Ah!" She pushed her hand on her head. The memories came streaming to her and hit her hard.
    "There, there, dear. You've had quite a flight, I would expect you to be distressed." A calming voice soothed. Rose figured she must have been in her 20s, but the way she talked distinctively reminded her of an 1800's movie.
    Wait...flight?
    Her eyes, which had been slowly lullabied, snapped open. "What flight? Who are you?" She added, as she identified the voice.
    A lady, no older then 20, was staring at her. Her light blonde hair was cascaded into an elegant bun, her brown eyes wide and caring. Her clothes were rather odd; a grey puffy dress covering her ankles. She looked normal; except for the fact that she was missing a hand...and see-through.
    Noticing her confused, and slightly horrified face, the woman gave a giggle. Consciously, she rubbed the bald spot where her ear should be. "Don't mind that. A little accident I had well I was a-living. Nasty things they are, kitchen knives," She recognized her accent as an old English talk. Then Rose caught the phrase.
    "Wait-A-living?' And what about my other questions?" The woman sighed, clearly disappointed.
    "So you don't know. I always hate breaking the news," She shook her head sadly. "Dear, you're in the underworld."
    "Underworld?" Rose spoke, disbelieving. "Wait...you mean I'm in...I'm in...

    ---------- Post added at 06:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:02 PM ----------

    -"No, no. Not that underworld." She smiled slightly at her confusion. Rose breathed a sigh of relief, though it felt unneeded since so many questions were roaming around. "How do I say this...Well, I suppose no use dragging on the tension. You're dead."
    In all of her confusion and worrying, Rose managed a laugh. A hysteric one, but a laugh nonetheless.
    "Alright. I get it. I'm dreaming. That makes much more sense." She said, crossing her arms. "Besides, I don't feel dead." And, just to prove her point, she walked off the cozy bed and into the depth of the room. It was then she noticed the clothes on her. Not her normal dirty jeans with tennis shoes and a sweatshirt, no; it was a full out pale green dress, with a tint of black. It poofed out at the bottom, turning into pale grey curls, a corset with a shoe lace-back on her front. Her cuffs extended into a pocket of arranged grey squares, and a dark black necklace lay on her neck in the shape of wings. She was positive she had not been wearing that before.
    "Wha-?" She mumbled, placing her hands on her dress examining.
    "We couldn't have you dressed in living clothes, roaming around the castle. It wouldn't have looked rather nice." The woman spoke. "Yes, dear, you are in fact dead. Now, I know you have a million questions-"
    "Castle?" Rose interrupted, catching the word in the lady's sentence.
    "-But if you sit down I may be able to answer them. Within reason. 'Tis not my place."
    Rose quickly obeyed eager for answers. She took in the room, finally noticing the scale, not to mention elegance, of it. The room's walls were made of entirely wood, carvings engraved in its depths. They were all very coded, the art amazing, but the meaning hidden. At least, to her. The room was painted a fine color of pale green, the furniture antique and lush. There was a large window in the front, hidden by the curtains. It was quite possibly the most unique and extravagant room Rose had seen; definitely more preferable then her tiny empty bedroom in Oneida. Her mother, being a stickler for money, had never agreed to paint it. Besides, colors weren't very common in Oneida.
    Oneida. A slight lurch in her stomach told her she was homesick. She hadn't been away from Oneida since..while, since never. She was delighted to see a new place, but at what cost?
    She nearly laughed at her stupidity. Hadn't she decided that she was dreaming, lying in a hospital bed unconscious? That was the logic answer. For Rose, it was odd looking to her logic rather than imagination; but it was better to believe that she was dreaming and that she should enjoy this mental adventure then believe she had actually died.
    Not wasting a breath, Rose began to ask questions. She was a bit eager to learn what her sub-conscious had made up, and a bit curious as well. "Where am I? What am I-you know, if I'm dead an all? Who are you? What is this place?”
    The lady raised a hand. “Slow down, please.” She took a breath then answered. “Like I said, you are in the ‘Underworld’. Close to the living, but not joined. Here we are, below them-Dear, don’t look so nervous. Like I said, not that underworld-yet unable to communicate. It is a place where creatures reside-you? Well, I said you weren’t alive. The term meaning you’re body isn’t. But you’re soul is. A ghost, technically.” She waited, giving Rose the possibility to digest the information. “I am Abigail.” She gave a curtsey. “You’re loyal maid.” As she got up she bumped her arm on the coffee table. “A bit clumsy as well.” She added, rubbing her arm.
    “Rose.” She said, extending a hand. Abigail looked at it aghast, and then quickly shook it gratefully. “How old are you?”
    Abigail laughed. “I lived 21 years. Died in fire.” She pointed to her dress, which Rose now noticed the trimmings had been burnt off. In her haste and hurry to find out answers, Rose hadn’t paid any attention to Abigail. Now she noticed that she did look like she died in a fire-black ash was sprayed on her see-through face, and her clothes were ever so torn. “Been here since 1890. Not sure what time it is now; you lose track of it.”
    Rose, having no intention of forgetting the outside world, answered her. “2010.”
    “Wow.” The girl uttered. “Time sure flies. Up there at least.” She giggled, as if she had told a joke.
    “So you’re my maid?” She asked, a bit surprised at the idea.
    “At your service, ma’am.”
    “Please, call me Rose.” She spoke, again surprised at the lady’s manners; especially since she was younger. “Why do I have a maid anyway? You act as if I am a princess.”
    The lady frowned. “I apologize for my lack of answer, but not my place.”
    Rose huffed, disappointed. “Whose place is it?” The lady shook her head. “Not your place either?”
    Abigail bowed. “I must be going, Ma-Rose. I shall see you soon.”
    “Wait!” Rose called as Abigail motioned towards the door. “Don’t leave me here alone!”
    Abigail cracked a small half-hearted smile. “I’ll be back soon.” She said, before exiting.
    Rose was tempted to follow her, but as she got up, she noticed the window. She couldn’t resist. She decided to take a peak then follow her and explore this ‘castle’. After all, no one had exactly told her not too.
    She placed both her hands on the smooth, silky curtains, and then pulled them back.
    What she saw didn’t surprise her.
    It thunderstruck her.
    There was no sun. Just a pit of grayness. Creatures lurked the streets; not inhuman, but not human. So high up, Rose could not make out them. It looked like a village, houses, and stores on one large street. There was a dark forest to the left, no leaves, completely dead, like the town looked. It was-amazing in a way that tingled your spine in fear and awe.
    “Welcome, princess, to the Underworld.”

    ---------- Post added at 06:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:06 PM ----------

    -Confused? Yeah, I don't think I explained that well. Anywho, I'm not going to let the secrets of this new found world seep out right away! They'll be revealed in later chapters. In the meantime, did you like it? If you didn't, please tell me why! (also I didn't say this before, but I'll say it now. If you have any suggestions, or anything for the story, I'll be happy to hear them! And another thing, I'll also be drawing a few things; scenery, outfits, you know, so you can better envision them. As for characters; I'll let your imagination draw them for yourself )
    Magith1 and Animeluver(5421) like this.

    (my siggy is amazing, no? It was made by daniaasaur)
    The world is cruel. The world is ugly. But there are times and there are people when it's not
    And at its cruelest it's still the only world we've got. Ugly and pretty. Foul and fair
    Out There
    I dreamed a dream in time gone by
    When hope was high
    and live worth livi
    ng
    GIVE ME HUGS?


  7. #7
    OMGIFE 4 Life cherry doll is on a distinguished road cherry doll's Avatar
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    I think you did really good also considering that this is your first work,i am definitely wanting more
    I over explain alot too,most everything I write is super long but I think it adds a certain "something extra" to your writing
    keep up the good work...I shall be reading

    fly away with me


  8. #8
    Blockles the Blockle WoRdLoVer is on a distinguished road WoRdLoVer's Avatar
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    I LOVE those kind of stories! Its like Radiance By: Alyson Noel! Except not the Underworld....BUT SO INTERESTING!! I love reading creative stories like yours!


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  9. #9
    OMGIFE 4 Life Animeluver(5421) has a spectacular aura about Animeluver(5421)'s Avatar
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    It's awesome!!!

    It has this dark, mysterious, but oddly good feeling to it lol

    I'm interested to know what happens next!!

    Hopefully the next part will be just as good c:

    Thank you Turfer510 for the awesome sig! <3

  10. #10
    Playing Booya. Status: AFK McKennaR is on a distinguished road McKennaR's Avatar
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    @patiqua
    Glad I'm not the only one! Thanks: D
    @
    WordLover
    I will totally read that book now. xD I'm such a big reader. Thanks ^^
    @Animeluver
    Thanks so much^^ Haha, I hope so too


    (my siggy is amazing, no? It was made by daniaasaur)
    The world is cruel. The world is ugly. But there are times and there are people when it's not
    And at its cruelest it's still the only world we've got. Ugly and pretty. Foul and fair
    Out There
    I dreamed a dream in time gone by
    When hope was high
    and live worth livi
    ng
    GIVE ME HUGS?


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